The Day I Went Back to Work

The day I went back to work.

Monday, May 17.

I took this picture of Nile before I woke her up to feed her.

One day shy of eight weeks old. Eight Tuesdays ago, this beautiful, sweet little creature joined my life.

I cried before I left.

Neil said, "It's just change.
"It's not bad. It's just change."

When I got to work I thought I would be OK.

Then two of my coworkers came to my desk to welcome me back and ask how I was doing; if I missed Nile.

I said, "Well, I was doing OK, and then I sat down here and I see her looking at me."

I gestured toward the door facing me, where in my all-male office they had printed a color picture of baby Nile from the announcement I e-mailed and taped it to the front door of our office suite.

I gestured toward the picture and a twinge of extreme sadness stabbed through my heart and down into my stomach.

All the feelings of separation anxiety I've ever felt came stinging back to me:

Elementary school in Md. while my mommy and home were still in Va.
Every time I broke up with Chris.
Leaving HI to move back to Va. after college.

But in the moment that I gestured and felt that sadness, right when I thought I would end up taking the picture down to avoid tearing up every time I saw it ...

I decided in that instant that instead of the picture reminding me of what I was missing, the picture would be Nile there with me.

So I said, "well, I was doing OK, and then I sat down here and I see her looking at me.
"So it's not so bad."

The guys laughed and went on.

I went on with my day, and the day after that, and it's not so bad. It's just change.


(Then yesterday I read this, which was very timely but also made me teary-eyed again.)